Xena: Warrior Bridesmaid
by Tali-Sarah
Summary: Four Weddings and a Funeral Xena style - without the funeral or that many weddings
1. The ultimate bad bridesmaid dress

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or Xena: Warrior Princess and I'm sure as hell ain't making any money from this. Have You Met Miss Jones?' Written by Lorenz Hart and Richard Rodgers  
  
~I~  
  
"Have you met Miss Jones  
Someone said as we shook hands  
She was just Miss Jones to me..."  
  
Balloons fell from the ceiling and the band played as she twirled mindlessly. She didn't know whose arms had hold of her and she didn't really care. The idea of disowning ones family had always appealed to her and recent events only strengthened her conviction on the subject - her cousin's wedding.  
  
The announcement of her cousin's plans to wed in only three weeks had come as no big shock; anyone who had ears had heard the little piece of news that there was a bun in the oven. Being a good girl she had done the only 'respectable' thing; dressed as a meringue and prepared to give birth in eight months time to a 'premature' baby.  
  
The band finished the song and the MC charged on stage drunk as a skunk to tell a bad joke and make a complete ass of himself. Someone grabbed her arm and dragged her outside before lighting up a smoke.  
  
"You know, Xena, as bridesmaid you should smile," her brother smirked, almost dropping his smoke while eyeing her salmon coloured attire with distaste.  
  
The orange ruffles and large amounts of lace draped over her body did nothing for her mood, and she whacked him over the head with her matching purse.  
  
"The colour reminds me of puked up pate."  
  
"Charming, Lyceus," Xena rolled her eyes and sighed.  
"Have you seen Toris tonight?"  
  
"Our darling brother? Well, earlier I saw him consume large amounts of alcohol and pass out on his dinner plate. That was closely followed by round two and then I believe I saw him disappear into the coat closet with the groom's sister." Lyceus paused and looked up at the sky. "Do you ever wonder why he's still the golden child and we're the black sheep?"  
  
"He's married with children, we're not. The family image is what works for mum; let's face it, we're screw-ups. You're gay and I'm not a mini-her."  
  
Lyceus laughed bitterly and when he stopped he adopted the mocking voice of his mother, "it is a phase, isn't it? You'll get over this 'gay' thing right?"  
  
"Do you ever want more?" Xena rocked and back and forth on her heels while pulling at some of the lace.  
  
"What more could I want? I have a darling sister who manages to pull off puke pate and still look elegant and who accepts me for me, and who loves me. I have Apollo and I love him. Sure I'd love mum to be all happy for me but somehow I don't see her marching in the parents section of the Mardi Gras."  
  
"I like Apollo, he's good enough for you." Two pairs of bright blue eyes met and Lyceus had to squeeze his shut.  
  
"We're going to have a ceremony, nothing fancy, just close friends and family. It would mean the world to me if you stood up for me. I promise no ugly salmon dress, I'm thinking more Colette Dinnighan!"  
  
For the first time Xena no longer felt the need to disown her family; at least this family wasn't going to make her wear an ugly dress.  



	2. Early morning wake up call

~II~  
  
The sound of ringing interrupted her dream and as she stood on the mountaintop, the man of her dreams beside her pulled out a cell phone and started to chat. This in itself was strange as he was clad head to toe in black leather and the nokia just didn't go with the sword. It was then that she realised it was a dream and her phone was ringing rather loudly and very close to her ear. Xena attempted to bolt upright but there was something heavy on her chest restricting movement. For a moment she panicked before taking a breath and opening her eyes slowly. She came face to face with her roommate's evil persian cat which looked her straight in the eye and refused to move.  
  
"Come on, Alti, move it!"  
  
When the cat simply yawned and swished its tail. Xena made a mental note to stop Gabrielle from going within a ten block radius of the pound ever again. She loved her best friend and flatmate dearly; however when it came to pet saving Gabrielle tended to save the ones that no one else wanted, generally because they were evil.  
  
There was Hope the budgie who conducted weird ceremonies in her cage, Alti of course with a tendency to torture anything, Callisto the maltese terrier who constantly fought with Buffy the terrier down the hall, Draco the goldfish who had formed an army of sorts with the other fish and last but not least Gabrielle's beloved hermit crabs Caesar and Brutus who appeared to be building an empire out of shells.  
  
Xena grabbed the phone and hit 'talk' at the same time as getting swiped by Alti for moving too much.  
  
"Hel...Damn Cat!"  
  
"And a good morning to you sister dear", Lyceus cackled.  
  
"You sound happy - too happy for this time of the morning."  
  
"It's noon."  
  
"It's Sunday."  
  
Point taken. Meet me for lunch in fifteen minutes  
  
That means moving Ly!  
  
Bella Costa in fifteen Xe and trust me it'll be worth it.   
  



	3. Mr Tall Dark Leather Pants Please!

~III~  
  
"He's gorgeous!"  
  
"Excuse me?" Xena peered over the top of her sunglasses at her brother and squinted.  
  
"Apollo's brother stalked off a Qantas flight this morning and boy, is he the dark brooding leather pants please type! His name is Ares which is freaky, yes, but Apollo informed me that their mum went through a small Greek mythology stage during her child bearing years. He also has a sister called Aphrodite."  
  
"Slight overkill with the letter a there."  
  
It happens, Lyceus paused for a second, his eyes focused on his sisters arm and the red scratches upon it. What happened there?  
  
Cat fight. Alti just won't leave me alone and it freaks me. She's taken to sleeping near me and this morning when I tried to get her to move she went all demonic on me.  
  
What that adorable persian face that looks like it's been hit with a mack truck doesn't inspire you to melt and feed her fresh fish everyday for the rest of your life?  
  
Well when you put it that way...  
  
My two favourite people in the whole world! The interrupting voice sounded like it came from a member of an all boy band and when Xena turned slightly to scowl she couldn't help but smirk at the sight.  
  
Apollo came bounding over, his blonde curls dancing in the sun like in a shampoo ad. The bronzed god' looked every bit the surfy bum meets daddy's fortune from his board shorts to gucci sunglasses. Behind him stood Mr dark brooding leather pants please and Xena studied him for a moment. Her brother had been wrong; he'd forgotten to mention tall.  
  
The brothers couldn't have been more opposite. The only similarity was the slight curl in both their hair but unlike Apollo who kept his precious locks almost shoulder length, Ares kept his short. Apollo had blue eyes, Ares had brown, Apollo bounced around in tank tops and shorts while Ares stood stiffly in jeans and a shirt. Not only was their colouring completely different it appeared their personalities were too.  
  
Xena was pulled out of her trance like state when Apollo planted a kiss on her cheek, she hadn't realised she'd been staring. He raised a golden eyebrow and his lip twitched just slightly, alerting Xena that he wanted to smirk but figured it was safer not to.  
  
Apollo turned and pulled a chair from the table behind them and an old couple scowled. Ares remained standing resembling a store mannequin and Apollo rolled his eyes.  
  
Yo Bro, normal people sit in cafes. Sometimes, they even eat and drink beverages like coffee and...  
  
Ares unlike Apollo asked the old couple if he could borrow a chair and with one dazzling smile they accepted. This caused Apollo to stick his tongue out at his brother when his back was turned but somehow, from the look on Ares' face when he sat down - he knew.  
  
You met Lyceus earlier at the airport, Apollo added. Xe, my brooding brother Ares. Ares this is my one true love's dazzling sister, Xena. Apollo proceeded to pick up a menu and scan it for the days specials.  
  
Xena raised an eyebrow at Apollo's description and half smiled in acknowledgement. Her gaze wandered over to the newest addition to the table and she was surprised to find him staring at her. Xena's first thought related to whether or not she had anything on her face and a quick assessment revealed it wasn't that kind of staring. It was good staring - and it scared her that she didn't mind at all.  
  



	4. Girly Gossip Time

Sorry guys it's only a page. It hasn't even been properly edited but I needed to get it up now or it would have never happened and this story would be doomed to exist in limbo for all eternity and I don't want that. Hopefully my muse will co-operate and I'll be able to write more soon.   
  
~IV~  
  
So he was checking you out? Big whoop, like that's never happened before, Gabrielle looked over her shoulder. Stop sitting on the kitchen table Xena!   
  
The small blonde woman then turned her attention back to a large pot full of spaghetti on the stove and stared at it critically. Xena stuck her tongue out at her friend as she slowly got off the table.   
  
Alti came sauntering in and threw a look at Xena that resembled the way the demon cat often looked at her bowl of sardines and other dead marine creatures minced in a gravy. It seemed to scream you're mine.   
  
Did you see that, the cat's giving me the creeps again!   
  
Don't be silly Xena, the next thing you'll be claiming the fish is performing Always something there to remind me'.  
  
You never know, Xena pouted.   
  
What's the big deal about this guy anyway? Men look, they look a lot, generally they don't feature in the dinner time rant. Unless...You looked back didn't you?   
  
Gabrielle dumped the pasta strainer on the bench top and her entire being changed. No longer was she preoccupied with dinner, her body language now screamed girly gossip time' and a cheesy grin occupied her face.   
  
  
  
  
  
Maybe just a little.   
  
Ha! I knew it, Gabrielle clapped her hands together. Now, tomato or cream based sauce? 


	5. Xena and Ares sitting in a tree

Another non-edited, pull story out of limbo chapter. Sorry for the lack of substance (or quality) - life is interesting at the moment.

-V-

The two best friends sat around the kitchen table with their bowls of spaghetti continuing their earlier conversation.

So you ended up have a stare off over lunch? Really Xena when it comes to men you weren't socialised properly.I was uncomfortable Gabrielle. He kept on looking at me and I didn't know what to do so instead of going all Jane Austen coy on him I matched him, Xena sighed. This is good sauce though. 

Don't change the subject. And for your information I do believe you were very Jane Austen. How Mr Darcy he sounds.That's it. The book, BBC production on DVD and Bridget Jones' series are all going under lock and key. This Mr Darcy obsession has been going on for way too long!No, you can't take Colin Firth away from me! 

Be good or The Importance of Being Earnest' is going as well.

Gabrielle mock pouted before smiling suddenly. Xena and Ares sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g...Kiss you dvds good-bye Gab.

----##----

Lyceus leaned towards his lover, does your brother always stare at walls like that?

Apollo looked up from the book he was reading to observe Ares calmly directing his gaze to a section of wall at their parents house. 

If he does it's a new habit. I'll admit we haven't been in the same house since high school but I'm sure I would have noticed it and exploited it for my amusement.

Abruptly Ares threw a dirty look in the direction of the other two men much to their amusement.

Apollo continued, but I think I know what's bothering him. Ares and Xena sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g...

Apollo never got to continue as a plastic cup came hurtling in his direction and hit him on the side of the head.

Ow! Mum, Ares threw a cup at me!


	6. Busabout

--VI--

Xena stood at the bus stop swinging her black bag from one shoulder to another. The added weight on Gabrielle's 'The Complete Works of Jane Austen' and several DVD's starring Colin Firth were weighing her down.

She had learnt early on that like a small child, you had to set ground rules with Gabrielle and stick to them or she was never going to behave. Unfortunately even with the ground rules Gabrielle had a nasty habit of ignoring logical advice and running in the completely opposite direction before someone was forced to bail her out.

It didn't make her a bad person, just a little trying at times. Sharing an apartment through university and now in the real world Xena had a few tactics to deal with her best friend. Stashing her obsession of the month at Lyceus' had been working for the last few years and she was sticking with it. She would slowly ransom off Colin Firth to get Gabby to shut up.

The bus arrived and she waited for the rush of people to get off before she made her way inside and out of the heat. A small child to her left was jumping up and down while his mother attempted to block out the noise and breastfeed her youngest wrapped in a blue blanket, another boy maybe.

It was times like this that Xena really wished you never had to have your car serviced. Public transport was not her thing, and neither were screaming toddlers. The stop to Lyceus' place came quickly and she shared a sympathetic smile with the mother as she got up and almost skipped off the bus and down the street.

Cherry blossoms covered the sidewalk as Xena strolled slowly past the old terrace houses and renovated warehouses. It struck her as an odd image of spring-time perfection and she smirked when she saw her brother in his front garden. This action moved into an eyebrow raise as she approached the house that Lyceus and Apollo shared.

Both men were perfectly still doing a brilliant impression of lawn statues. Only there was no lawn in the small area outside the terrace and they looked awfully funny balancing on one foot with both arms in the air.

"Your attempt at spiritual enlightenment or TV reception?"

------------------------------

Apollo, Lyceus and Xena were perched on various boxes around the cramped kitchen table each staring vacantly at a wall.

"Who knew people were going to send gifts," Lyceus broke the silence.

"It's a wedding thing. You register, they buy. It gets wrapped in some generic paper and you get it," Xena shifted on her box.

"Yes, but these aren't from the register. These are frankly, a little weird even for me." Apollo held up a rolling pin.

"It is awfully phallic isn't it?"

Lyceus coughed, "it's from mum."

Silence.

------------------------------

The apartment was dark by the time Xena made it home which struck her as odd, Gabrielle should have been home from work by then. It wasn't until she had walked into the lounge room, turned the light on and almost had a nervous breakdown that she realised Gabrielle was home.

Home, in the dark. Home, sitting on a chair in the dark stroking Alti like some villain in a James Bond film.

TBC


	7. Toolbox

--VII—

They stared at each other for a while before Gabrielle broke eye contact. Rolling her head back she groaned and held a packet of frozen peas to her head.

"It's too hot."

Xena smirked, it appeared that Alti did too.

"We have this wonderful technology called air conditioning. It's been around for a while, maybe you know it?"

"Oh ha-ha Xena," Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "When I came home this afternoon it wouldn't turn off heat and then when I tried to turn the entire thing off that wouldn't work either…"

"So you've been sitting in an apartment with the heat on all afternoon when it's sweltering outside? You didn't think to just unplug it?"

Gabrielle lowered the packet of peas to reveal a deer caught in the headlights expression.

"You can do that?"

Xena opened her mouth to reply as the doorbell rang. Turning she opened it to come face to face with Ares. Crisp white shirt, black slacks and a tool box?

"Hi."

"Hi."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, "Hello, other person here too".

"Do you often walk around a foreign city with your tool box?" Xena pointed towards the shiny red object, ignoring her friend.

Gabrielle materialized beside her, "Dirty".

"Apollo called and said you needed help with something," Ares eyed Gabrielle for a moment before ignoring her just as Xena had.

"Hel-lo, if you can bear to pay attention to me for one moment," Ares raised an eyebrow and turned his attention to the smaller woman. "I called Ly and Lo looking for Xena. The problem has since been solved though, thank you very much. Who are you anyway?"

"Ares."

"Ares? Oh geez," Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "I'll be in my room. You two try not to play Mr Fix It too loud."

Xena scowled, "You are never getting those DVD's back".

The sound of a door slamming was the only response.


	8. Kentucky Fried Cat

-VIII-

This left Xena and Ares standing awkwardly at the door for a period of time that long exceeded proper social etiquette. It was surprisingly Ares who broke the silence, startling Xena.

"Is your friend always as aggressive as that or is it just my presence that seems to have sent her off into a small episode?"

Xena smirked, Alti hissed.

"I suppose you better come in and have a look at this thing before we all fry. Although maybe we could wait for the cat to cark it first?" At his raised eyebrow Xena sighed.

"Blondie wouldn't mind a dead cat?" He cocked his head in the direction Gabrielle had disappeared in.

"She would have a nervous breakdown. As tempting as it is to remove that thing from my life, I don't think I could stand the repercussions."

They both stood in the same position looking at each other expectantly.

"If you want me to fix the air conditioning," Ares half smiled. "You're going to have to invite me in."

"Come in then."

----

Half an hour later, three windows open and a now very see-through white shirt, Ares moved his toolbox (which Xena suspected was more for show than actual use) to the left and pulled out his cell phone.

Perched on the side of the counter examining her nails and trying desperately not to laugh Xena eyed his phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling a repairman."

"It didn't look like you were making much progress there."

"I made progress!"

"You hit it several times. That is not progress."

"Do I look like an electrician to you?"

He bent over to grab the hammer that was on the floor and Xena forgot to answer.

----

Gabrielle emerged from her room two hours later to find both Xena and Ares sitting on the kitchen table, something she hated, and a cranky looking repairman fiddling with the air conditioner.

"The problem," he started, "is that the cat has been sitting on top of the unit and blocking the vents at the back which in turn are now clogged with cat hair. This is what caused the system to malfunction"

Xena scrunched her nose up, "That sounds expensive".

The balding man waved a spanner in her direction.

"That's not the only problem."

Three "Oh's?" sounded in perfect unison.

"Whoever attempted and I use the term loosely, to fix it just made it worse."

Both Xena and Gabrielle narrowed their eyes at Ares. He just shrugged.

"I never claimed to have any skills in that area. I work in the corporate world and look good in a suit, what more do you want?"

Gabrielle rolled her eyes and Xena finally laughed.

TBC


	9. White Linen and Red Wine

A/N So, um, hey… Long time no see. I kind of figured I owed it to this story to give it a conclusion. For the life of me I can't remember where I was heading when I got derailed but we'll wrap it up quickly. I noticed that all the formatting has disappeared from some chapters so many apologies. The speech just kind of blurs into one big chunk :S

* * *

Xena leaned back in her chair and surveyed the room and all the white tablecloths. She ran a hand down her Collette Dinnigan Chantilly lace cocktail dress and smirked. This wedding definitively rated higher than the last one she had attended. Gabrielle trotted past with a glass of red in one hand, crab puff in the other while teetering dangerously in her heels and Xena wasn't sure how smart a choice white linen was.

She saw her brother and Apollo cornered by her mother and decided to stay as far away from that side of the restaurant as possible. Overall she had behaved and hadn't made any inappropriate comments about gay marriage. So everyone was happy, so far.

Ares materialized besides her, plate filled with mini quiche and his mouth full. He gestured to the finger food by waving the plate and his beer in her general direction. Xena raised one eyebrow and grabbed at the food.

"You know you still owe us for the air conditioner."

Ares coughed as he tried to swallow, 'It was your stupid cat that started it!"

"A good vacuum would have fixed that until you went all he-man on it."

Ares put down the plate and beer and smirked slowly.

"I don't recall you complaining as I went all 'he-man' on the naughty air conditioner. In fact, I think I remember you encouraging the behaviour."

Xena took a step towards him and raised the quiche to her mouth; she took a violent bite, chewed slowly and swallowed.

"I will deny that," and with that she turned and walked off.

Apollo having extracted himself from the clutches of Cyrene patted his brother on the back.

"Don't worry bro, I think she likes you. In the world of Xena, I'm pretty sure that was foreplay."

Gabrielle walked past once again this time a daiquiri in each hand, she paused at Apollo's words.

"Oh he is sooooooo in."

* * *

Five weeks later Xena and Gabrielle found themselves surrounded by boxes. Gabrielle was glued to the window looking out at the beach view doing very little unpacking.

"This is pretty sweet Xe, how did Ares manage to bag this place? It would have cost a fortune."

Xena looked up from a box of kitchen stuff.

"Knew a guy who knew a guy who probably killed a guy I guess."

"Hey! I resent the implication that I'm dirty", Ares came through the door and dropped another box onto the floor.

"You're plenty dirty…"

"Please! Please! Innocent present."

Both Xena and Ares ignored Gabrielle's pleas. She signed and went to check out the view from the bedroom. When she returned Ares and Xena were wrapped in each other's arms whispering.

"Aw, you guys," Gabrielle got all giggly. "Maybe the next wedding will be yours."

And then she had to run as a barrage of throw pillows assaulted her, as she ran out the door she grabbed her keys.

"See you at home Xena!"

Ares looked across at Xena and they both burst out laughing.

"Xena: Warrior Bridesmaid! Maybe one day you'll be Xena: Warrior Bride."

"Perhaps," she smirked and hit him with a pillow.

"Oh I'd count on it…"

"Only if you learn to fix the air conditioner."

The End


End file.
